Choking

I feel like I’m choking.  Quite literally.  I have a lump in my throat and I feel like there’s a weight sitting on my chest. I can’t catch my breath sometimes and the tears pour from my eyes without warning.  

 I want to be alone and I want to be surrounded by friends and family. 

 I want to be hugged tight and then I want to curl up in a ball by myself and cry. 

I feel numb and like I have no feelings one minute and overwhelmed by so many feelings the next that I am dizzy.  

 An ashram in India alone sounds good and so does a family vacation filled with activity and laughter.  

I am riddled with guilt and regrets at times then peaceful that things are as they should be at others.   

I rejoice in the small things like the sound of O’s laugh and then sweat the small things such as  cooking dinner like it’s the most complicated thing in the world.  

 I have feelings of panic about losing others that I love and about leaving my children behind myself. 

This is grief, I guess.